Wednesday, 17 February 2010

Punishing Puns - Guest blogger

Today's guest blogger is my nephew, son of sister with killer heelz.
He is 14 years old.
He likes his puns and punishes us constantly with them.
He admits to creating no. 20. The rest are urban myths.




Puns that are Punny


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

5. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

6. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

7. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

8. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

9. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

10. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

11. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

12. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

15. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

16. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

17. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

18. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

19. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.


20. "Doctor Doctor, when I sit down I feel like a tepee, and when I stand up, i feel like a wim-wam!"
"Well, it's obvious that you are two tents!"





Thank you, Nephew.

:-)

10 comments:

Amy and The House of Cats said...

Oh those were punny!

I have to ask if your nephew reads Pearls Before Swine - it is a comic strip (it's in the paper so it is acceptable for his age) and the cartoonist uses puns on a regular basis (though less now then in the begining).

Susan Fields said...

I laughed all the way through that! I think 17 was my favorite, but 18 was really good too. Thanks so much - I'm still smiling!

Theresa Milstein said...

I groaned through 14. 15 confused me and I had to reread it (Duh). I have to admit that 16-18 made me chuckle. By 19, I was chastising myself for finding it clever. For 20, once I figured out what a wim-wam was, I became impressed with your nephew.

Plain Jane said...

These are so much better than the ones my dad says. His bring physical pain while these were fun. Thanks, guest blogger.

fairyhedgehog said...

I read them all. And yes, I hadn't heard no. 20 before!

Well done to nephew!

Kea said...

Those made me chuckle out loud; thank you! The only one I'd seen before was #18. :-D

Ann said...

These were great. Brought a chuckle on this dull Wednesday AM.
Thanks!

KarenG said...

Your nephew and my husband would get along splendidly. Then there's my brother in law. When our youngest was born, he wrote an entire paragraph/story with the last line being a pun using the baby's name.

Your guest blogger is cute and clever!

Old Kitty said...

Hi Everyone!!!

I passed on all your sweet messages to my nephew who now denies all knowledge of any punstakingly painful puns!

:-)

He says a big, big THANK YOU.

And his proud auntie says a big thank you too for reading and for all your really sweet comments.

Take care
x

Pat @ Mille Fiori Favoriti said...

Hi Old Kitty

These were all wonderfully funny to read! #18 was really clever!

Thank you so much for all your wonderful remarks on my blog today...I really appreciate them!

Green-Wood Cemetery has inspired many novelists, historians and biography authors over the years. There are so many interesting life stories buried there.